So I was thinking today. I do a lot of that. And I have decided to talk about something that I very rarely talk to anyone about. And that is women. This is not going to be an advice column. Because I can give no real advice in this area on account of I have not been in a relationship for around five years. Awesome, I know, right? Well not so much. It is something that kills me everyday and something I dwell upon constantly. I don't tell many people that though because I don't like people to know how much I want to be in a relationship. I don't want people to know this because it makes me extremely vulnerable and also kinda makes me look like a nerd. And by kinda, I mean it really makes me look like a nerd. Why haven't I been in a relationship in five years you ask? Well that is a good question and one I often wonder myself. Trust me, it is not from lack of trying. I try a lot. Although I have not tried in New Orleans really yet because I don't know anyone well enough to want to be in a relationship with them. Why is this topic important? Because I am going through exactly what millions of other people are going through. It is a very difficult thing to have to go through. Never knowing if you are ever going to meet a person that you love enough, and that loves you back in the same way. That is my problem. Finding someone to love isn't my problem. Finding those girls has been only all too easy. Finding the ones that feel the same way about me is the extremely difficult part. I am not like most guys I have ever met. I am pretty weird, I'll admit. But I always am very up front about my feelings and maybe that is intimidating to a lot of girls. Not many guys just up and tell girls that they like them a lot. I do. I have had girls that I am not interested in tell me that a guy should always be up front about his feelings, but it has always backfired on me. I have even had girls just stop talking to me for long periods of time because I told them this. That is the worst. When you tell someone you really care for them and they just want to abandon you completely. The other worst feeling is putting on a smile and acting happy for all of your other friends that are getting engaged and married. Sucks doesn't it? That is a rhetorical question because everyone knows the answers is a resounding yes. Lately, though, I have been trying to sort through these thought processes. Why do I want to be married so bad? Well that is an easy question to answer. I want to feel loved. I want to love someone. I want to know what it feels like to have that mutual love between two people that I have never experienced. Also, I want to stop worrying about it. I want to be married so I don't have to wonder if I am going to ever be married or not. Once you are married that isn't really something you think about I don't reckon. I want someone to share my life with. Everyone knows this feeling so I really don't need to go into any more detail. But why do we feel this way? More than once I have asked myself why God would possibly give me such a strong desire without fulfilling it. It just seems cruel to dangle it in front of me like that. Then I came to a realization. Maybe God gave me the desire and made it extremely strong so that I could give up my desire for worldly things and fully put my trust and hope and love in Him. Maybe I have been single for six years because I have not yet learned to really rely on God. I have not made God my everything, obviously, because I am still holding on to this hope of marriage thing stronger than I am holding onto God. Now why would I possibly be that stupid? Because I am a human and a male. I love girls. And sometimes I definitely place that desire above the Lord. My advice? Never do that. Unless you want to be single for six years. In that case, by all means. I realize that I have to give up my desire to be married before I will ever get married. That doesn't really make sense does it? Neither does God sending His perfect son to die on a tree. That one is way more baffling. I am learning patience. I have heard so many pastors say things like, "If you pray for patience, God does not give you patience, but He gives you opportunities to be patient." This is so true and I absolutely love it. If any of you know any single girls that might be interested in me...... Wait. Cut that. That was just my brain getting in the way again. My bad. God is enough. God will always and forever sustain me and I don't need a girl or marriage or a family to get God. I have God without any of those things and it is wonderful. I would rather be single for the rest of my life and have God for eternity, than have the most gorgeous wife and family and be eternally separated from my Creator. Just saying.
On some other notes, I watched a movie about the missionary William Carey today, and it was AWESOME! Not really the movie itself, because the acting was horrible and it was terribly cheesy and parts of it were super depressing. But his perseverance is amazing. He spent seven years in India where his son died of disease and his wife went crazy (and eventually died) before he ever saw anyone led to Christ. Seven years in India without seeing any fruit. Yet he persevered and is now known as one of the greatest missionaries ever. It is just an awesome story and really inspires me even more to learn to be patient with God. My roommate was telling me about another person who just prayed and prayed and prayed that he could have a Bible because they were banned in his area. He just prayed and prayed and prayed for a very long time. He eventually was given a Bible. The story is way cooler than how I just told it I promise. Just the perseverance and patience of these men inspire me to be greater and more pure than I ever thought I could be. I had chills when I was hearing both stories.
One final thing. I have really been struggling and really desiring to start a church in the North. Well I am now going to begin slowly reading through and studying the book of Acts, so that I can get a greater picture of how my future church may look. I am going to start that tonight after church. If any of you few people who actually read this would like to journey along with me in the book of Acts and want me to post my notes and thoughts on here let me know. I am not planning on doing so, but if anyone wants me to, I will find the time to do so, because all I care about it letting people know about Christ. So give me some feedback on this. Thanks!!!
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