This morning I was laying in bed not going to church and I began to think about some things that are controlling my life. Why was a missing church, you ask? Well that is a good question. And one I have been wondering a lot myself. Is it because I don't like my church, or because I don't feel like I really fit in? No, that isn't it at all. As a matter of fact, I actually love Vintage Metairie. It is a great church home with a great mission that is really a Biblical viewpoint of what a church should be. I was missing church because I am a selfish person and sometimes I would rather sleep in than go to church. And then I began to wonder about that statement. Why would I rather sleep in than go worship my Lord and Savior? I am going to school to gain a job where I will be supposedly serving the Lord with my every breath. However, I am not in anyway serving the Lord with very many of my breaths at all. There are billions of people in the world that have never even heard of Jesus Christ, and I have him readily available to me, and I am too lazy and selfish to even go to church. It baffles me. My roommates and I are trying to memorize the entire book of Philippians before Easter, and I cannot even be faithful in that. It kills me how undetermined and unfaithful I am given my status as a student in seminary. I think about my life and I hate what it is becoming. I am too lazy to do anything. I hate being lazy. I try to not be lazy, and I tell myself that I am going to be faithful in all the things that I tell myself to do, but for some reason I just don't follow through and I am getting sick of it. So a good question to ask is how am I going to change after posting this blog? Well I really can't know that until I post it and see if my life becomes any different. School starts soon again, so I will be back to being so busy I won't even be able to think straight. I am taking 16 hours this semester, which is almost twice the amount of hours needed to be a full time masters student. I have been thinking a lot about where my life is heading. My roommate and I both really want to start a church in city that is completely unchurched, such as Boston which has almost a million people and less than 75 churches. However, I also feel called to the Army as a Chaplain, so I am trying to figure out either which one of those I should pursue or whether or not I can do both of them. One of them completely evolves around my roommate also though. He will be graduating with his masters come May and the original plan was maybe to go visit Boston sometime this semester and see if that is maybe where God wants us to go. However, he feels that God is maybe telling him to wait on starting a church, and I am a very impatient and spontaneous person and would really just like to move now, given my dislike for living in the city of New Orleans. I have also been in contact recently with my Army recruiter and I am in the process of furthering that process so that I can get money for school. The hard thing to figure out is whether or not I want to be in the Army Reserves, or an Active Duty Chaplain. If I become an active duty chaplain, I will probably spend a lot of time outside the country, but I will make a lot of money. I know it is not all about money, but coming from a family with no money, I would like to be able to support my future family and send my children to any college that they want to go to. If I decide God wants me to plant a church, I can still be a chaplain in the reserves. The most appealing thing about the active duty chaplain is that if I am a chaplain for 20 years, I can retire at 45 and make fifty percent of my salary and then pursue planting a church without worrying about where the money would be coming from for the church and to support my family. However, that is extremely selfish and just shows you how selfish I am as a person. I really just want to completely give up myself and really focus on what God wants for me and my life and in the lives of those around me. All I know is that I want to make a difference in the world, and I cannot make a difference in anyone's life if I continue down the path I am currently on.
Another thing that I have been working on is my patience and my general lack of tolerance for, well pretty much anyone. Some people have called me racist, but really I have a general intolerance for pretty much everyone. And in my chosen profession that just cannot happen. That is why I have been working on being a lot more tolerant. Every time I have caught myself getting angry at someone for something that does not matter, I chastise myself. Which turns in from me getting mad at other people a lot to me getting mad at myself a lot, which also is not good. Basically, I am an extremely confused individual and my mind just is not working right. I want to change. I need to change. I pray every night that God give me His desires over my own selfish ones. I realize that this particular post has no real meaning or point. It is just some stuff I have been struggling with that I wanted to share with the world. Thank you for reading. There will be more soon since school is starting soon and I will have plenty of things to talk about.
On a final not, if anyone wants to buy me a MacBook, I would love that person absolutely forever.
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